i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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