My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
