i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
