I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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