I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
