She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
