Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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