Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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