Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
