I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
