Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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