i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
