Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
