I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
