Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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