If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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