Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
