my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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