I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
