you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
