proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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