What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
