Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
