The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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