dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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