so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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