my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
