you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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