You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
