my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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