im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
