party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
