ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
