I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
