He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
