He uses pillows to masturbate.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
