I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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