I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
