Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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