is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
