so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
