I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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