in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
