Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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