How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
