When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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