the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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