I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
