Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
