Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
