She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
