dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
