I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
