giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
