hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
