textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
is that a dick in a sweater?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
