I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
