brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
